Overcoming Loss With No Perceived Meaning

30 08 2010

Loss is unavoidable in our human experience. Every second of every day someone is experiencing a form of loss. Loss comes in many forms. Some of the most common are loss of a toy, goldfish, job, relationship or loved one. More often then not there are warning signs to our losses or they are understandable. We lost our purse because we forgot it on the park bench. Or, we lost a loved one through death. Although they bring on pain there’s an aspect of logic and understanding to the situation which in time can help the griever let go and heal. What if you experience a loss with no explanation. For example I had worked for a women several years ago, giving her Pilates and yoga lessons in her life. We were becoming close friends and then one day I called to confirm her next appointment and received no call back. This was uncharacteristic of her so I phoned her again a day later with still no result. After a week of trying and still getting no callback I gave up. I never heard from her again. Our relationship vanished into thin air without any explanation. I was shocked and heartbroken. Not only did I lose work but I also lost a friend. I racked my brain to try and understand why she would break ties with me. The only thing I was able to come up with was she didn’t like my training. Even this assumption gave me no peace because I still had no idea what I “did wrong” if any.
After months of contemplating the situation I realized that someone else’s actions have nothing to do with me. Her idea about me is none of my business. In fact her vanishing into thin air had nothing to do with me whether she perceived that it did in her mind. I realized that we all have a play going on in our mind. We are the main characters to our play and everyone that arrives afterwards is secondary characters. In my client’s mind I was a secondary character with a whole story line and plot going on, which had nothing to do with me but everything to do with her mind. Her decisions were based on her play. When I realized this I was able to move on because I knew that people will always make decisions about other people whether they are based on fact or not.
Have you noticed that when you go to an old family friend who hasn’t seen you in years, he or she will usually converse with you as if you were the same person you were years ago despite any changes you might’ve made. People will see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. It’s like hearing the same thing from 3 people in 3 different ways but not agreeing with them and a fourth person comes along and says it in a way that works for you. You run back to the first person and excited share with him this new idea you’re gonna try. Your friend looks at you and says, “didn’t I suggest that to you ten thousand times?” It happens everyday to all of us.
If we can practice viewing everyone that comes into our life as a character in a play with their own plays going on, we can begin to not take anything that other people do personally. If a loss of a relationship happens with no perceived meaning all we need to remember is, “What you think of me is none of my business.” Their story has nothing to do with you and everything to with the drama in their mind.

Action Step: Think of a relationship that has an open end. See if you can write a letter of understanding, as if you can see their mind and see the drama going on and acknowledge that it’s their mind’s story and not real. Read it aloud and either burn the letter in a safe place or tear it up and scatter it in open water. Find a way to symbolically release the relationship and the unfinished ending. Allow yourself to heal and forgive the other person and yourself for ending the relationship the way they did.

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Turning Hate Into Love

16 08 2010

Have you ever been bullied, made fun of, looked down upon or ignored? Have you ever been rejected by someone who previously extended love but a life circumstance had flipped his affection into hate? Have you ever experienced a prejudice based on someone else’s beliefs? Have you been wronged based on another’s right? Prejudice and a difference in beliefs has always been used as an excuse to spread hate. It has separated families, created the downfall of nations, and caused war and terror throughout time. Hate in the name of beliefs has caused more destruction than all diseases and natural calamities put together. Many have used religion or god as their reason to separate, punish or kill. Other’s have used race and other’s have used a difference in lifestyle. What causes such intense emotions that one would want to disconnect from family, separate themselves from a life long friend or have the desire to kill a whole group of people for what seems to be an insignificant difference of opinion, lifestyle or color?

Human action is motivated by either fear or love. Fear comes from the illusion of lack of control. When someone believes that another will hurt him, or is responsible for the pain of people he loves, fear and feelings of aggression toward that person will kick in. He thinks he’s trying to protect himself. Our survival instinct will overtake even logic in order to keep us safe. We see evidence of this in the countless holocaust stories that spread as far back as biblical times into our present moment. Nations have been moved to hate and kill like a virus, from leaders spreading fear and linking it toward the chosen group to hate.

A lack of understanding on a subject can sometimes lead people to come up with their own conclusions. Making assumptions based only on ideas rather than fact are drawn from events of the past, ideas they were taught or their imagination. Most of us are programmed to fear the unknown. We are taught to hate what we fear. This combination is what produces so much of the pain we see in this world.

In order for us to shift from our fear, hate and pain we need to learn how to love and accept. By embracing the unknown with love and welcoming it in we not only shift ourselves out of fear but begin to shift the one we felt animosity toward, spreading the energy throughout the universe.
There has been several times in my life where I had the opportunity to practice this idea.

When I was a little girl I grew up as a religious, orthodox Jew. One Sunday afternoon I was hanging out with my friend, waiting at the bus stop to take us to the mall. As we were sitting, engaged in deep conversation a few teenage boys approached us and began to bully us, calling us names like dirty jew, Hitler should’ve finished you off, and you have no right to ride the bus or walk on the street. A young girl stood behind them in silence just watching what was going on. I looked at her and gave her a warm smile. I stood there looking at those boys full of hate and immediately began to feel sorry for the animosity they felt. I did not fully understand where that came from but knew it had nothing to do with me. We didn’t even know each other. The bus arrived and we all got on. My friend and I reasoned that since there were many people on the bus the boys would stop harassing us. We were wrong. We sat in the back of the bus where they stood over us and continued their abuse. The girl who I smiled at went up to the boys and began to yell at them. She told them to stop their abuse immediately. They looked at her dumbfounded and sat down without another word leaving their mouths.
Having a family that survived the Nazi Holocaust I couldn’t help but wonder if pre war Europe was similar for the Jews. During that incident I racked my brains as to how to handle the incident and all that came up was forgive them. They don’t understand what they are doing. They are scared of us. Spurring hatred toward them will do nothing but only make things worse. By quietly sending them love an angel came through to relieve us from our pain.
A few years later I let go of the religion and began a more spiritual path of living. During my evolvement from religion toward spirituality family members began to act in strikingly similar behavior to those boys from my teenage past. During those times I found it more difficult to separate myself from their hateful actions simply because we not only knew each other but these were people I assumed loved me. It was only after I realized that they too as those young boys are acting from fear of the unknown and therefore being controlled beyond the logical mind or their spirit. Their fear and judgement clouded any opportunity for them to accept me. It was only after I surrendered to their non acceptance and accepted their actions that I was able to be at peace.

The key thing to remember is when someone spurs anger and hatred your way, hatred is not what will get you toward happiness. Sending back anger will only give you more of what you gave. You’ve heard the expression what you give, you get back tenfold. It is in times of hatred that we have an opportunity to express love. By doing this we can heal those that don’t understand the power of love and heal ourselves.

What to do?
In Conversations With God, Book One, Neal Donald Walsh shares a beautiful suggestion, “In times of conflict, whether it is with an ex, children, business partner or friend ask yourself what would love do now?” Love is the answer to everything.

In my book The Power Within Me, coming out this fall I discuss this idea in length and bring many more examples of how I implemented love in the presence of hate and how powerfully my life shifted.

For more articles on shifting through pain to love please visit Esther’s Facebook Page at http://www.facebook.com/estherhadler#!/EstherWarrior.

Esther has a coaching program designed to help you shift out of any painful experience with grace and swiftness. To learn how you can experience a free half hour session, please contact her at EstherAdler@EstherAdler.com and put in the subject line coaching, or simply call 908 764-5672.





Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

15 07 2010

One of my favorite songs is from Monty Python’s Spamalot. The finale of this broadway show ended with their famous song, “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.” The play consisted of silly, crazy events that took place to a group of people searching for a treasure. Although it was a comedy I saw a great life lesson in the play. That no matter what happens in life there is always a bright side to it. Blessings are everywhere.

One of my favorite examples of this is when I was done with a meeting in NYC, got to my car and it simply did not turn on. After hours of waiting and two mechanics coming by, they realized that there was a problem with the gears. The next day I got it to the mechanic and told them to put the emergency break on to avoid the car from crashing. As I went in to the office to sign the paper work I heard a crash. The owner of the service center and I ran out to see what happened. My car was stuck in the middle of their garage door and the outside. The car was totally wrecked. Everyone was going crazy, screaming, running around and unsure what to do. I stood there quietly and smiling. A man came over to me and in shock asked me if that was my car. I said yes. He asked me, “why are you the only one that is so calm?” I told him that I trusted everything would be alright.

After assessing the damage the owner came back to me and told me that not only will he fix the damage they did but will also fix the gear problem free of charge. I got a rental car to hold me over till the work was done and was on my way.

The blessings continued. I was in the process of moving to CA during the car drama and was trying to figure out where to leave my car till I returned from CA a few months later. It turned out that since they were still not done with fixing the car they were happy to hold the car for me for the months I would be away. The perceived tragedy turned out to be the biggest blessing. My car was as good as new, was safely kept for me inside a garage, free of the outdoor elements, was fixed as good as new and all free of charge.
I believe you can make anything happen if you put your mind to it. If you can take what you look at as a challenge and see the blessings out of it, that’s what will show up for you.





Sad is Not Bad. Moving Through Life Transitions With Grace

15 06 2010

Our society is bombarded with transitions. In fact every few months almost every American goes through a transition, a transition from school to camp, from single life to relationship, from marriage to divorce, from health to disease, from sharing love to loss, from life to death. The list goes on. We all experience one form of transition or another in our life . Another name for this is grief. Grief is a normal process in life. In fact when dealing with grief it’s not uncommon to swing from one emotion into another. John W. James and Russell Friedman, authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook define grief as, “conflicting feelings caused by the change or end of a familiar pattern.” This means that graduation can cause grief, having a baby or going on a trip. When people experience conflicting emotions confusion and fear take over. This is due to the fact that most Americans are taught that sad is bad, anger is dangerous and crying is dysfunctional. We tell our children if you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about.
Americans in particular are extremely fearful of emotions. Yet our country is flooded with life situations that causes tremendous grief. Divorce is rampant, disease is spreading on an epidemic level and our economics are suffering greatly. What tends to happen is that when we experience a shift we are taught to suck it up and move on with our life. The truth is that by not stepping into our pain, taking a good look at it, feeling it and experiencing the waves, we will not heal and move on with our lives. Instead our pain will keep creeping at us, spooking us like a ghosts haunting us in the dark night. How can we move past our grief, live in our society and come out stronger on the other side? Another question to ponder is why do people stay in situations that bring them pain when they know there might be a better solution for them?

Let’s tackle the first question.

I’ve gone through many transitions in my life. Some of them created huge waves and shifts I never would’ve expected. My grief started at a young age when my father physically abused me, almost killing me several times. My mother also had a stroke when I was seven years old. This left me feeling orphaned and shifted me into the role of caregiver. I go into great detail in my book, The Power Within Me on how my life situation gave me an opportunity to shift from a victim mentality into a warrior role. At first glance one would look at the trauma I lived through from a very young age and agree that I experienced pain inflicted by outside circumstances. I instead decided to flip the situation and find the blessings and opportunities. But it was not until I faced my pain, cried my tears, and shed my old self that I was able to transition. I had to go through the experience fully. Walking through the fire is done by an escape artist. Sitting in the fire is done by a warrior. Allow yourself to die through the pain, the grief and the fear. By truly facing it you diminish its power.

Now let’s tackle the second question.
One major transition I went through was when I was going through my divorce. The conflicting emotions I was experiencing surprised me because it was something I had wanted for a long time. Then why did I feel so sad, angry, scared and excited all at the same time? The unknown is a scary place for us. We have nothing to base it on. We have no past we can relate the unknown future too. When we step into unfamiliar territory, a new pattern, fear is the first thing that comes towards us. This is why many choose to stay in an uncomfortable situation, simply because it is what they know. They would rather be in pain then venture into unknown land. “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know”. I was once working with a client who was experiencing a lot of pain. She kept returning to her abusive husband, clinging to him for support. All she got in return was more abuse. She later told me that she knew that he could not provide the love and comfort she was seeking and knew that there might be a better solution for her if she left him for good. It was her fear of possibly being alone the rest of her life that kept her going back to her abusive husband. After a few guided exercises we did together, allowing her to face her fear of the unknown she finally left her dysfunctional situation. A year later she met her soulmate. She was only able to accomplish this by facing her fear, feeling it, sitting in the fire.
Many of us are facing crossroads in our life. We truly know what is right for us to do but are afraid. The unknown is too frightening for us so it keeps us where we are. In order to truly make a shift and move from pain to bliss we need to face our pain, sit in it and move to the other side. Imagine looking straight at an arrow coming toward you. If you move toward the arrow and keep walking through it, the arrow will bend. If you resist and fight it, the arrow will hurt you. Let go of resistance and open your life up to what it can be. Don’t stay in fear. Don’t let it rob you of your life. Know that there are limitless possibilities. By facing your fear and keeping the faith your life will turn into a wondrous journey.

Esther is a transformational coach. For more great tools become a fan of her page at http://www.facebook.com/estherhadler#!/EstherWarrior?ref=ts

Esther provides a powerful 3 step system, guiding you from the transitions you are experiencing toward the life you are yearning to create. This program is designed for those dealing with a shift in their lives and are ready to take the steps to heal their wounds and create a great life.
If you are experiencing,

A divorce,
A loss,
A newly diagnosed disease,
Abuse,
A new career,
A change in relationship
this program is for you.

Email Esther at EstherAdler@EstherAdler.com to set up a complimentary half hour session.





There’s Nothing Wrong With You

18 05 2010

When we hear there’s nothing wrong with you we agree most of the time. I mean who’s going to walk around feeling as if we’re broken? But it’s our actions that speak louder than words and many of us walk around feeling and acting as if there’s something we need to fix. There are times in our life though that we would not agree with that statement and start to list all that is wrong with us. We’d talk about how we messed up, what we didn’t accomplish and how insignificant we feel.

This idea that there’s nothing wrong with you started to come into my life during a major shift in my life. 8 years ago I was diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes. At first I went into denial, anger, and a grief I never encountered. I could not believe what had happened to me. I remember sitting in a doctor’s office within the first few weeks of my diagnosis and hearing the words, “the only thing you’ll be able to eat from now on is eggs and bacon.” I did not have the heart to tell him that at the time I did not eat bacon so my life would consist of just eggs. I quickly sought out another doctor who calmed me down, gave me insulin and told me that everything would be ok. I was devastated. I could not be consoled. I remember feeling punished, but most of all broken.

One of the main ideas that frightened me was how we create everything in our lives. I could not accept that I brought this horrible disease into my being. After pondering this thought the shock overwhelmed me. I remembered how I walked around with a constant fear of developing a disease similar to my mother. My mother had a stroke when I was seven. I spent my whole life taking care of her, but more important doing everything I can do to be as healthy as I can, so as not to create a similar fate. Is it possible that my thoughts of fear of disease created the disease in the first place? I became angry at myself and felt as if I broke myself. I began an urgent search to get rid of this thing in my body which caused me to be broken, not perfect, not as good as those around me. I became a victim. I hated how I felt and hated myself for feeling this way.

My search went no where, I went to every expert, alternative medicine doctor, traditional doctor and everything in between with no luck. I studied every philosophy and every modality of healing I could get my hands on, with still needing to take insulin everyday and dealing with highs and lows on a regular basis.

On my path of discovery I went to see Deepak Chopra give a talk. It was at the time his movie, The Seven Spiritual Laws came out. We saw the movie, saw him speak and got to ask him questions. The movie discusses how laws of the universe are set. Just as there is the law of gravity there are seven spiritual laws. He goes on to explain what they are and how we can live our lives using these laws to create the life we want.

During the question and answer period I decided to go up and ask him a question. I didn’t feel that my question was specifically about the seven spiritual laws but how often would I have a chance to ask Deepak Chopra a question?

I was second in line. I began by explaining how I felt that I practiced all the laws and have seen the shift in my life because of it. The only area I didn’t seem to see the shift was in the matter with Diabetes. I asked him for advice. He smiled and then began to answer.

“well this question although it’s a good one, does not completely have to do with the issue at hand. I can’t go into detail right now simply because then someone with heart disease, cancer ect.. will come up with a similar question. I do recommend my book Perfect Health”.

With that I said thank you and began to walk back to my seat. As I got to my row a middle aged Indian man was sitting in the isle seat. He had a big smile on his face and pulled my hand,   handing me a book. It was the book Perfect Health. My jaw dropped open.

“This is for you.” he said

I told him.
“Oh my God! Thank you. but it’s yours.”

“No, Please take it. It’s meant for you.”

I held back tears and sat back in my seat stunned. At the end of the Q and A section, this angel of a man came over to me. He gave me a big bear hug and whispered in my ear,

“You’re not broken. I thought I was coming just to have this book signed. I need to run out which is why I sat in the isle seat but I knew that this book was meant for you. There is nothing for you to fix. You are not broken”

When he said those words I realized that I’ve been walking around feeling as if there was something I needed to fix. It was then that a shift came over me. I began to embrace Diabetes. I started to look at all the blessings that came forth since the diagnosis and what I have learned because of it. I looked at all the healers I went to and was amazed at how much I have learned and discovered about me, health, food and medicine.

I realized that Diabetes was not something I had to get rid of but rather embrace. In fact, when I really looked at it I counted more then a dozen blessings that came from having the health issue. One of the many was that I actually became much healthier, ate better, was more aware of my body and was now able to help others heal too. I have since began to refer to Diabetes as the thing that saved my life. Before Diabetes I was an anorexic, bulimic dancer. I now am healthier than ever and have an understanding of food and the working of the subconscious mind and the relation to disease I never would’ve dreamed of. Diabetes still at times drives me crazy but now only lasts minutes of feeling annoyed at a low  or high sugar rather than weeks of grief.

Everything that happens to you is for your good. Who you are is perfect. You are not broken. There is nothing for you to fix. A great exercise to do when you feel that you need to fix something about you or your life is to write down what it is that bothers you and begin to look for the blessings of that situation. If you’re really having a difficult time, then walk around outdoors with a pen and paper and notice the seemingly imperfect people and places and find something beautiful in them. By doing this you’ll be able to then go back and find the same in you.

You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. Be you as you are and be it fully. No one else can do this. Only you, always you!

If you or someone you know is going through a shift in their lives and is looking for guidance, healing and support please refer them to my coaching program. I have helped many shift from a painful place to a place of healing and health.

WWW.EstherAdler.com

908 764-5672





The Power Of Forgiveness

12 03 2010

Do you ever notice a dog, how it’ll bark the whole day when you’re gone, get all worked up and as soon as you walk in the door all it gives you is love? There are no hard feelings, no, “where have you been?”, “How come you locked me up the whole day?” A dog does not hold any grudges. Little children neither. If you look at a toddler you’ll notice how she will kick her arms and legs, scream at the top of her lungs and then when she’s done with that go right back to loving you.

I think back to when my children were young. All they had was love for me. As time went on they learned how to hold grudges. In fact I noticed how my middle one literally would look toward her older sister to see how she should react to what I was telling her. At those times I wished some magical being would swoop my teenage daughter out of the house so my younger girl can make her own decisions.

In my life I have had to learn the art and act of forgiveness countless times. At first I held on to my victim role thinking that by making the other person wrong, holding that grudge firm would actually help me. What I didn’t realize at that time was simply all that was doing was hindering me from being happy. There are many things that people do to us that can seem unforgivable. But it’s only in letting it go and finding love in our hearts again that we can truly heal and be free of that dense energy. To find peace in our hearts and live a life of true happiness, it’s only in forgiveness and compassion that we can find that deep inner peace we all strive for.

Osho says on forgiveness that, “It is not a question of whether a person is worthy or not. The question is whether your heart is ready or not.”

A true understanding of forgiveness is to realize that there are no bad people. Everyone is divine. There are actions that are bad or the opposite of what we would recognize as divine. Perhaps the “soul”, notice my writing on that word, the “soul” purpose to experience that was simply to experience forgiveness. If we understood that there are no accidents then everything that comes our way we would bless, even those actions we deemed horrific.

A master is one that takes every situation and looks for the opportunity, the blessings and love.

As a child I had experienced tremendous physical abuse from my father. The abuse got so great at times I actually thought I would die. I grew up having horrible thoughts of hate and revenge.  As I evolved and began to awaken to a new consciousness I realized that part of my healing was to completely forgive my father. I sat back and realized that he played his part perfectly. He acted as the sadistic,crazy man he is in order to push me to the understanding of what love, surrender, peace and forgiveness is. He got me to experience on the deepest level true love, a place so blissful that only the act of the total opposite could’ve produced it. In order to really experience something we need to understand and experience the opposite.

Many years after the abuse I sat down and decided to write a letter to him. The beginning of the letter dealt with all of the actions he had done to me. There was blame, anger and tremendous pain in the letter. As I continued to write, I began writing words of forgiveness and love. Tears came streaming down my eyes. The letter ended with pure love. There was no anger left. I looked at what I wrote and was overwhelmed with emotion. It was a mixture of love and grief. I realized that I was allowing myself to heal. I had finally let go of all the pent up anger I had toward my father.

I never sent the letter to him. The main purpose of the letter was for me to release the negative and bring forth the positive. That letter proved to be one of the most healing moments of my life.

I did the same exercise to several people who I had felt wronged me. You can be completely justified in how you feel but the only one you are hurting by holding onto your anger is yourself.

If there is someone in your life you would like to forgive, let go or heal from I recommend you try this exercise. Be ready to experience different levels of many emotions. You might be surprised as to how deep some of them are. That’s a really good thing. Don’t be frightened with emotions. Emotions are good. Let them out. Don’t allow anyone to stop your flow of emotions. It’s how you will heal.

Begin with writing down what the “wronged action” is. It can be several or just one. Write down your feelings. When you are done with that begin to find forgiveness in your heart. Try not to stop writing. Allow the flow to continue. Just keep writing, even if it’s jibberish.  Once you have written the forgiveness, see if you can extend love to that person. It might not happen right away. Keep trying. The act of love, no matter how hard you need to try is authentic and very powerful. Once you’ve done that sit in quiet. Allow any emotion that is coming up to flow. Watch and feel as your heavy rock unloads from your spine. Watch the light penetrate to your center and allow the bliss to flow into all your cells.