Overcoming Loss With No Perceived Meaning

30 08 2010

Loss is unavoidable in our human experience. Every second of every day someone is experiencing a form of loss. Loss comes in many forms. Some of the most common are loss of a toy, goldfish, job, relationship or loved one. More often then not there are warning signs to our losses or they are understandable. We lost our purse because we forgot it on the park bench. Or, we lost a loved one through death. Although they bring on pain there’s an aspect of logic and understanding to the situation which in time can help the griever let go and heal. What if you experience a loss with no explanation. For example I had worked for a women several years ago, giving her Pilates and yoga lessons in her life. We were becoming close friends and then one day I called to confirm her next appointment and received no call back. This was uncharacteristic of her so I phoned her again a day later with still no result. After a week of trying and still getting no callback I gave up. I never heard from her again. Our relationship vanished into thin air without any explanation. I was shocked and heartbroken. Not only did I lose work but I also lost a friend. I racked my brain to try and understand why she would break ties with me. The only thing I was able to come up with was she didn’t like my training. Even this assumption gave me no peace because I still had no idea what I “did wrong” if any.
After months of contemplating the situation I realized that someone else’s actions have nothing to do with me. Her idea about me is none of my business. In fact her vanishing into thin air had nothing to do with me whether she perceived that it did in her mind. I realized that we all have a play going on in our mind. We are the main characters to our play and everyone that arrives afterwards is secondary characters. In my client’s mind I was a secondary character with a whole story line and plot going on, which had nothing to do with me but everything to do with her mind. Her decisions were based on her play. When I realized this I was able to move on because I knew that people will always make decisions about other people whether they are based on fact or not.
Have you noticed that when you go to an old family friend who hasn’t seen you in years, he or she will usually converse with you as if you were the same person you were years ago despite any changes you might’ve made. People will see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. It’s like hearing the same thing from 3 people in 3 different ways but not agreeing with them and a fourth person comes along and says it in a way that works for you. You run back to the first person and excited share with him this new idea you’re gonna try. Your friend looks at you and says, “didn’t I suggest that to you ten thousand times?” It happens everyday to all of us.
If we can practice viewing everyone that comes into our life as a character in a play with their own plays going on, we can begin to not take anything that other people do personally. If a loss of a relationship happens with no perceived meaning all we need to remember is, “What you think of me is none of my business.” Their story has nothing to do with you and everything to with the drama in their mind.

Action Step: Think of a relationship that has an open end. See if you can write a letter of understanding, as if you can see their mind and see the drama going on and acknowledge that it’s their mind’s story and not real. Read it aloud and either burn the letter in a safe place or tear it up and scatter it in open water. Find a way to symbolically release the relationship and the unfinished ending. Allow yourself to heal and forgive the other person and yourself for ending the relationship the way they did.

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Tools ‹ Estherwarrior’s Blog — WordPress

16 08 2010

Tools ‹ Estherwarrior’s Blog — WordPress.





Turning Pain Into Peace

3 08 2010

There are many things in life that can cause us to spiral out of control. Our boss can snap at us, we break a toe, we lose our wallet or delete the thesis we’ve been working on for the past 3 months. Life has many surprises. Some feel great like a surprise trip to Hawaii or an unexpected party we’ve been invited to but more often than not life hits us with a death in the family, divorce unexpected, a loss of job, a diagnosis of a disease and many more stories that can cause us to spiral into a pit so low that we can’t fathom how we’ll get out if it.
I’ve had many such stories happen to me. When I was seven years old I woke up early one summer morning to find my father crying over the kitchen sink. I asked him where my mother was and his sobs became stronger. I got scared and began to back away, when he told me that my mother had a stroke. My seven year old mind could not comprehend what was said to me but i knew it was serious. He told me that she was very sick and was unsure when she was going to come home.
A year and a half later I was reunited with my mother. A new shock had entered my life on that fateful night. As I helped my mother eat her slice of pizza but cutting into small bite size pieces and helping it into her mouth I realized that our roles were reversed. I now was her caregiver. This early trauma was one of many that I experienced which I go into detail in my upcoming book The Power Within Me. In my early years I viewed each shock or trauma that I went through as a slap in my face. I felt alone and victimized. I kept rehashing the events that took place before the fateful day and pondered what I could’ve done different to prevent the painful experience, or I future tripped and fretted over what my life will be like because of the perceived horror I endured. There was one thing that took me out of the pain and brought immediate peace, no matter what the situation was.
Presence has always been the tool which took me from pain so deep it left me gasping for air, to being enveloped in peace and love I was able to feel in the deepest levels of my soul.
Since my early life altering experience with my mother, during many other challenges such as divorce, incurring Diabetes and the loss of my own children wanting to be with me, presence has been the tool I’ve used to center myself and move through the pain.

You see, if you really put all of your attention onto the present moment no pain exists there. Everything is truly perfect in the present moment. In this moment your problems don’t exist, just the idea of them. Our problems reside in our mind, as we break down our situation over and over again, asking what we did wrong or how we can fix it. If we focus on what’s right in front of us, perhaps our dinner, a bird on a tree, the carpet under our feet and put our full attention on it, nothing else exists and peace enters in that space.
Presence was something I had to learn. I spent years in hellish pain, unsure how I would survive the next day. Discovering the power of presence is what changed my perceived problems into bliss. By being present I began to see opportunities, rather than pain in my new situation. I stopped thinking of my life situations as problems and started to view them as opportunities. By doing this, opportunities arrived daily.

If something in your life is causing you tremendous pain, practice presence. Start by going for a walk, preferably in nature. Notice each blade of glass you walk on, notice the birds in the trees, walk slowly, one foot in front of the other. Notice how each foot feels as you place it on the ground. This level of presence will slowly shift you from your pain into peace. I encourage you to make this a way of life. Don’t save this exercise just for when you experience a painful life situation. By making presence a practice your whole life begins to shift and you’ll experience is presence. If all you experience is presence then all you’ll experience is peace.

If you are experiencing a painful life situation and need a guide to help you through it. My transformational coaching program can do this for you. Email me at EstherAdler@EstherAdler.com, subject line coaching and I will extend to you a free hour consultation.

Resources:
A great book on presence is,

The Power Of Now, by Ekhart Tolle.





Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

15 07 2010

One of my favorite songs is from Monty Python’s Spamalot. The finale of this broadway show ended with their famous song, “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.” The play consisted of silly, crazy events that took place to a group of people searching for a treasure. Although it was a comedy I saw a great life lesson in the play. That no matter what happens in life there is always a bright side to it. Blessings are everywhere.

One of my favorite examples of this is when I was done with a meeting in NYC, got to my car and it simply did not turn on. After hours of waiting and two mechanics coming by, they realized that there was a problem with the gears. The next day I got it to the mechanic and told them to put the emergency break on to avoid the car from crashing. As I went in to the office to sign the paper work I heard a crash. The owner of the service center and I ran out to see what happened. My car was stuck in the middle of their garage door and the outside. The car was totally wrecked. Everyone was going crazy, screaming, running around and unsure what to do. I stood there quietly and smiling. A man came over to me and in shock asked me if that was my car. I said yes. He asked me, “why are you the only one that is so calm?” I told him that I trusted everything would be alright.

After assessing the damage the owner came back to me and told me that not only will he fix the damage they did but will also fix the gear problem free of charge. I got a rental car to hold me over till the work was done and was on my way.

The blessings continued. I was in the process of moving to CA during the car drama and was trying to figure out where to leave my car till I returned from CA a few months later. It turned out that since they were still not done with fixing the car they were happy to hold the car for me for the months I would be away. The perceived tragedy turned out to be the biggest blessing. My car was as good as new, was safely kept for me inside a garage, free of the outdoor elements, was fixed as good as new and all free of charge.
I believe you can make anything happen if you put your mind to it. If you can take what you look at as a challenge and see the blessings out of it, that’s what will show up for you.





Sad is Not Bad. Moving Through Life Transitions With Grace

15 06 2010

Our society is bombarded with transitions. In fact every few months almost every American goes through a transition, a transition from school to camp, from single life to relationship, from marriage to divorce, from health to disease, from sharing love to loss, from life to death. The list goes on. We all experience one form of transition or another in our life . Another name for this is grief. Grief is a normal process in life. In fact when dealing with grief it’s not uncommon to swing from one emotion into another. John W. James and Russell Friedman, authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook define grief as, “conflicting feelings caused by the change or end of a familiar pattern.” This means that graduation can cause grief, having a baby or going on a trip. When people experience conflicting emotions confusion and fear take over. This is due to the fact that most Americans are taught that sad is bad, anger is dangerous and crying is dysfunctional. We tell our children if you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about.
Americans in particular are extremely fearful of emotions. Yet our country is flooded with life situations that causes tremendous grief. Divorce is rampant, disease is spreading on an epidemic level and our economics are suffering greatly. What tends to happen is that when we experience a shift we are taught to suck it up and move on with our life. The truth is that by not stepping into our pain, taking a good look at it, feeling it and experiencing the waves, we will not heal and move on with our lives. Instead our pain will keep creeping at us, spooking us like a ghosts haunting us in the dark night. How can we move past our grief, live in our society and come out stronger on the other side? Another question to ponder is why do people stay in situations that bring them pain when they know there might be a better solution for them?

Let’s tackle the first question.

I’ve gone through many transitions in my life. Some of them created huge waves and shifts I never would’ve expected. My grief started at a young age when my father physically abused me, almost killing me several times. My mother also had a stroke when I was seven years old. This left me feeling orphaned and shifted me into the role of caregiver. I go into great detail in my book, The Power Within Me on how my life situation gave me an opportunity to shift from a victim mentality into a warrior role. At first glance one would look at the trauma I lived through from a very young age and agree that I experienced pain inflicted by outside circumstances. I instead decided to flip the situation and find the blessings and opportunities. But it was not until I faced my pain, cried my tears, and shed my old self that I was able to transition. I had to go through the experience fully. Walking through the fire is done by an escape artist. Sitting in the fire is done by a warrior. Allow yourself to die through the pain, the grief and the fear. By truly facing it you diminish its power.

Now let’s tackle the second question.
One major transition I went through was when I was going through my divorce. The conflicting emotions I was experiencing surprised me because it was something I had wanted for a long time. Then why did I feel so sad, angry, scared and excited all at the same time? The unknown is a scary place for us. We have nothing to base it on. We have no past we can relate the unknown future too. When we step into unfamiliar territory, a new pattern, fear is the first thing that comes towards us. This is why many choose to stay in an uncomfortable situation, simply because it is what they know. They would rather be in pain then venture into unknown land. “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know”. I was once working with a client who was experiencing a lot of pain. She kept returning to her abusive husband, clinging to him for support. All she got in return was more abuse. She later told me that she knew that he could not provide the love and comfort she was seeking and knew that there might be a better solution for her if she left him for good. It was her fear of possibly being alone the rest of her life that kept her going back to her abusive husband. After a few guided exercises we did together, allowing her to face her fear of the unknown she finally left her dysfunctional situation. A year later she met her soulmate. She was only able to accomplish this by facing her fear, feeling it, sitting in the fire.
Many of us are facing crossroads in our life. We truly know what is right for us to do but are afraid. The unknown is too frightening for us so it keeps us where we are. In order to truly make a shift and move from pain to bliss we need to face our pain, sit in it and move to the other side. Imagine looking straight at an arrow coming toward you. If you move toward the arrow and keep walking through it, the arrow will bend. If you resist and fight it, the arrow will hurt you. Let go of resistance and open your life up to what it can be. Don’t stay in fear. Don’t let it rob you of your life. Know that there are limitless possibilities. By facing your fear and keeping the faith your life will turn into a wondrous journey.

Esther is a transformational coach. For more great tools become a fan of her page at http://www.facebook.com/estherhadler#!/EstherWarrior?ref=ts

Esther provides a powerful 3 step system, guiding you from the transitions you are experiencing toward the life you are yearning to create. This program is designed for those dealing with a shift in their lives and are ready to take the steps to heal their wounds and create a great life.
If you are experiencing,

A divorce,
A loss,
A newly diagnosed disease,
Abuse,
A new career,
A change in relationship
this program is for you.

Email Esther at EstherAdler@EstherAdler.com to set up a complimentary half hour session.





Responsibility; The Path to Mastering Your Destiny

1 06 2010

Have you ever felt that your life is going nowhere fast? Did you ever experience the feeling that no matter what you did bad things happened to you? Have you ever felt bitter, unwanted, alone or abandoned? Did you ever doubt your existence? These are all very real things that many people encounter at least once in their lives. In fact many people walk around feeling that way for a large part of their lives. I know. I felt like that for a long time. My life seemed to plunder out of control and I was left breathless. I began to ask myself deep questions. I was always a deep thinker but the questions I began to ask myself were different. They were ones that induced change. The questions I asked always started with what can I do to take away the pain?, or how can I make this situation go away? I took the blame away and took responsibility. The pain I was experiencing was so great I either felt like dying or experiencing a significant change in my life. I began to create a shift. Notice the word I used, Create. That’s a big word for a lot of people. Why is it so scary? If you understand the power of that word it can mean the difference between a life of loneliness, pain, trauma and anger and love, happiness, success and freedom. It was through learning to fully take responsibility for my life and my creation that I began to shift, grow and see a significant transformation in my life. My life was so significantly altered that it moved me to write my story down and make it my life mission to help others as well. My inspirational memoir “The Power Within Me”, discusses my shift from victim to warrior. There were many lessons to learn and many challenges to overcome. After years of learning, growing, searching, and experiencing I have created a 6 step proven system to help get you out of your own way. One of those steps is responsibility. As many lessons of our human development, this step seems simple but can be difficult to implement.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who had gone through an extremely traumatic experience. Her life has taken a turn where one bad thing led to another. Her life was spiraling out of control. My friend endured severe abuse and neglect at the hands of various individuals in a fairly short time. The experiences left her breathless, numb and completely unsure on how to continue her existence. I was familiar with this pattern because I went through similar traumatic events in my life. The main theme of what I heard in our conversation was blame and revenge. Toward the end of the conversation there was progress. She fully admitted to getting herself in the nightmarish situation to begin with. That’s where the progress ended. I realized that she was not ready to make the shift, to actually fully take control and become the soul creator of her life.

I think responsibility is a scary word for most people. We see it as on our own. We now have no one to blame but ourselves if something goes wrong and for some of us that is too frightening. We are taught to look outside ourselves for help and to blame others for our problems. But what happens when you make the shift and own everything that comes your way is actually the most empowering thing you can do. By taking responsibility you can make any shift you want. You become the creator, the director, the coach, ball player or actor of your life. You guide the puppets in your play and create the David you choose to create. When things don’t work out the way you want then you can choose how to change it based on learning what works and what does not work. It’s always your choice. If you keep blaming you remain a victim. You will live your life on default, reacting instead of choosing. You will constantly create unknowingly more opportunities to feel sorry for yourself. The beauty of responsibility is that it helps you grow up and find the child within you at the same time. You can create the support you want but not from a victim/needing place but from a place of empowerment, strength and love. By becoming responsible you change not only yourself but the world.

Here is an exercise to help you implement the power of responsibility in your life. Find 3 things you perceive as challenges in your life. Next write down 3 ways for each how you are responsible. Next find a new action to implement to change those experiences. The final step is to find a blessing toward the experience or person you perceive as damaging, painful. Write it down and recite it as a mantra until you believe it. I would start with Thank you for……

By changing your belief and seeing the blessings, taking responsibility you practice self love and begin to create the life you truly desire.





18 05 2010