Fitting in

28 04 2010

Have you ever felt that despite your efforts you just don’t fit in? Do you find social events effortful and exhausting. Do you find yourself asking if you really want to go? I’m totally there on that one. My whole life I have felt like the odd one out. I consider myself extremely outgoing, friendly and very well liked. Yet I have always found it challenging feeling like I “fit in” and I’m part of the group.

I grew up in an ultra religious orthodox Jewish community and even while practicing the religion, I never seemed to fit in with the rest of my friends. I was a young mother, and connecting to the other moms again felt very separate and odd. As a performer I also never seemed to fit in with the rest of the group. No matter what kind of community or experience, there seemed to be an effort in creating the sense of belonging. This in turn brought up a strong need for love and belonging. The exhausting cycle perpetuated more feelings of loneliness and abandonment and a desperation for being wanted. I asked myself where did this come from? How did it begin and how would I be able to fix it?

When I was seven my mother had a stroke that put her into the hospital for a year and a half.  When she finally returned our roles were reversed. I no longer had a mother who could care for me and in turn became her caregiver. It was one of my strongest feelings of abandonment. My mother’s illness also became the focus of attention not just for my family but for the whole Jewish community of Montreal. I seem to fall in her shadows and soon believed that unless I became severely ill I was not welcome to receive love.

Of course that was all happening in my mind. My childhood was challenged by my mother’s illness but when I began to look at the situation deeper I realized the blessings that came out of it. I even saw the blessings produced by my own feelings.

My mother taught me how to give, love and share. Not only did I take care of her. In return, she shared her wisdom, laughter and spark for life. As I grew, I learned to cherish who I was. I learned to love my differences, my uniques. I realized it was the greats of the world who never seemed to “fit in”. Would Jim Carrey be where he was today if he was worried about fitting in? How about Albert Einstein or Jane Eyer? None of these people went along with the crowd. They followed their own drum. At times I am sure loneliness set in, but it was through following their heart they were able to soar and show the world who they could be. When looking deep inside my own mind I learned that love and belonging has to start within. The more I looked out of myself, the more I seemed to push it away. Once I began to fill myself up with love, it followed me everywhere I went. I still find that I’m the “odd one out”. But I now laugh as I realize how unique and awesome I truly am. I get to show the world what I and everyone I meet can truly be.

So if you find yourself alone and feeling like you don’t belong. Take a pen and paper and write all the beautiful things that make you unique and special. It’s your differences that you need to cherish. We don’t all have to follow the same patterns, fashion, music, sports or anything else. Always follow your heart. By doing this it’ll lead to your truth and happiness.

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4 responses

2 05 2010
Susan Lawson

Hi! Oh yes, I know that feeling. I don’t fit in either – never have, never will, and I don’t really have a reason for it, I’ve always been this way! Not to say I don’t have friends but I still always feel rather distant somehow. Anyway, I just came across you on BraveHeart, which I just joined. Feeling a little lost in there too and perhaps not as much discussion as I supposed, we’ll see. But I also have a wordpress blog (that noone appears to read!) – stylemanifesto.wordpress.com – and so since I was checking my dire statistics, I thought I’d say hello.
All the best
Susan

5 05 2010
lisa

absolutely love this 🙂

6 05 2010
Ray Faulkenberry

Such a great message! Loved the varied feelings that were expressed as what sometimes appears a tragedy is in fact a blessing. You seemed to have moved through it quite well. Thanks for sharing this with me on my facebook page… I needed to hear/read/see something at this particular moment in time. Thanks for being the “angel” that helped.

Hugs to you, Dear Princess!

Ray

6 05 2010
estherwarrior

Hey Ray,
I find it amazing how just as we feel alone and in need of a sign that we are on the right path we are guided to exactly what we needed to hear, see, or experience. I am honored that I was part of the journey. I write from the heart, when I feel something that I need to read and hope that perhaps someone else can gain from it too.
peace and blessings,

Esther

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